FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
