i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
