well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
