if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
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She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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