The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
