Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
