you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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