I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
