Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
