My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
