If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
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