I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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