Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
