I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
