My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
