I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
