Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
