If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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