I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
