I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
