Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
