you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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