just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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