Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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