Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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