glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
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Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
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Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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