His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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