When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
