I think I died a long time ago.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
