Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
