I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
