He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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