Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I need to stop coming to work sober
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
