Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
