I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
