You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
