dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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