just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
