I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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