life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
