so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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