Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
