I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
