Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
