When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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