did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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