she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
