Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
