I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
