I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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