Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
