I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
